Life

Why doesn't anything ever make sense to me?  I don't know if the truth about everything just pisses me off or if things only make sense when they are in your favor.
I can remember moments in life when things were so great. Like when I found out this girl who was "the hot chick" in the grade ahead of me liked me and we dated.....for a week. When I got a job out west in the oil field and was told the first year of working there I would make $60,000, but it wasn't because they paid alot it was because I would be working ALL THE TIME.  The time I moved to the Virgin Islands and at 3am me and a friend took a hike to the edge of the island and watched the sun rise naked. We were laying on a rock a little off the shore and the sun came up with its first rays hitting my body like I was seeing something that had never been seen before. It was like a symbol for the end of my youth. I couldn't make it on that island because everything was in tourist prices.  I take that back I could have made it but it would have been one hell of a struggle. It really wasn't what I wanted, to live in a tropical paradise my whole life.  I want to live in a coniferous forrested region and build a family.  It is hard to build a family by yourself, haha, it is actually impossible. It seems like I am getting farther and farther away from a "normal" mindset.  I say things and people don't understand or even worse they are scared by the comment. I haven't "dated" anyone in over a year now, but I could date my ex or this other girl that seems to have some sort of crush on me.  One of them doesn't know me and she thinks everything is cute or supposed to be for her entertainment.  The other one knows who I am and wants me to act like everything she does is right, but she is so self centered. Neither of them have any sort of thoughts besides making money and getting what they want. Thats fine but thats not for me.  I want to meet somebody who thinks outside the box or has passion to put into something besides themself.  I want to live in an area that has something to look at besides miles of flat land.  If I could see things more clearly how other people do and adjust myself then maybe I could change a part of this world or find some people to make our own society.  WOw, I have lost it.

Blogging

This is the last post of the year for school.  I originally thought blogging would be silly and pointless.  Now after having blogged for the semester I can see that I was mistaken.  Like everything else it is what you put into it.  It seems like every time I finish a blog I get a little burst of excitement.   I wish somebody would have commented on one of my blogs just to know that someone read this besides the teacher who has to.  However, even if I am the only one who reads this or knows it exists besides the teacher I still enjoy it. My thoughts are out there to be discovered.  Hopefully one of my classmates who I have a crush on reads this, but she might not know it and I am not the greatest with one on one confrontations.  Specially after today where I made the suggestion that one girl in our class should have a character in her story use a tampon to get drunk quicker.  If anyone from class reads this I didn't mean for it to come out like that. I just thought it would make that character more bad ass. I don't even drink and most of you probably think I'm a psycho because of it.  I think everyone got a kick out of that suggestion atleast.  Also, if anyone reads this please don't bring up any part of it in class to put me on the spot because I wouldn't appreciate that, but if anyone wants to talk about this blog one on one let me know and I am friendly guy. Jennifer I thought you did a good job at teaching me about creative writing.  I wasn't exactly a greenhorn in creative writing, but I definitley learned some things. Now I will say "ahh.." it was nice to get all that out.

My Choice

I would like to talk about the link between communication and anger.  This school year I have been living alone for the second time in my life.  Over the past 2 years I have really calm down from the wild behavior of my past.  I quit drinking and smoking. I didn't really smoke much before I quit, but when I would get drunk I would smoke eventhough I always thought it was gross.  Smoking was a major conflict with my otherwise healthy lifestyle. So, I thought with my bad habits behind me my anger and frustration with other people would lessen or cease.  Unfortunately, when I quit drinking I lost alot of friends. I say that I lost friends which would be more my opinion I guess and I will tell you why.  I say that I lost them because I never see hardly anybody, much less my friends.  "My friends" and I still stay in contact which I think is pathetic because they live in the same town. I guess not all my friends live in the Grand Forks area, but I have more actual conversations with the ones that live far away. For the most part the local ones never understood me, but I feel like I had a good understanding of what they were about.  The reason I think they were easy to understand is because I pay close attention to how they act and what they say.  It is almost like I am waiting for them to do something that an aplology cannot cover.  Which is pretty sad, but I am used to people abandoning me when it suits them.  I am sort of an over thinker too, so if I become friends with someone I will tell them things and neglect what I think is obvious explaination. I don't have a problem with a little explaination here and there, but it seems like I am misunderstood constantly.
I have had problems with my temper in the past, not to the point of putting my hands on somebody, unless they did first.haha. My anger comes in the form of verbal abuse.  When I consider most the people that I have verbally abused were really selfish or jerks.  I base that opinion off of what I have heard from others when I asked them their opinion.  Anger does have its benefits, if there is alot of manual labor to be done or I am at the gym it comes in real handy.  It has no place in a conversation between people though, if someone is pig headed or incompetent getting angry with them won't help. Over the couple years I have taken the advice of an old sweethearted man I met while working in the oil field.  I had told him how I was having problems with this beautiful girl I was dating at the time. I explained to the old man how I tried to show this girl how I cared for her by telling her how she made me feel and doing things she liked to do.  I gave her flowers the first time we spent time together, but now I was out west and she was still in Grand Forks.  She became hard to get in contact with and I figured she was probably seeing someone else(which she was).  Then, one time after I hadn't talked to her for four days I called her and she answered.  I got excited and told her she didn't understand what I was going through and that she had always had things handed to her.  I also tried to make her see that we did only the things she wanted. That was the last time I talked to her until months later she tried to talk to me at a bar and I told her to stay away from me.  Anyways, the older gentlement told me to be grateful towards people and always try to show a good mood towards them.  I didn't agree with him at the time, but now I do. I am not under the impression that all of my relationships would be saved if I had been more accomodating to people, but I would know I did what I could.  There are a handful of people I would want to be in my life still that would probably still be around if my behavior didn't frighten them or piss them off. I still don't think ninety percent of my past relations are worth my time, but I'm learning.

Sense

Well, I'm guessing everybody has when they can tell when people are lying to them about something that is important.  I think it is harder to tell if someone is lying if it is a white lie.  I attribute this to just not really caring if the person is lying or not. It is funny because lying gets more complicated as life goes on. Some people just don't want the truth so sometimes it is hard to tell if they are naieve or ignoring what they don't want to hear.  I see this kind of sense neglect alot in woman that want their man to change and you know they never will.  I am guilty of letting my friends lie to me just so I can have some friends.  If I called everyone on their lies I wouldn't have any.
I also have good hearing and sense of smell, but it seems like I have to be the perfect length away.

Conversation from the past

"What do I do?" I asked.
"Kill it." My dad said.
"How?" I exclaim.
"Like this, just stomp on its head or ring its neck. See?" Dad says.
"Oh, I see.  Isn't that sort of brutal?" I say.
"No, thats life and don't forget to stomp on them before they get up and run away." My dad explains

Classifieds

Three dalmation pups for free.: What happened was Stormy, the mother of the pups, went out for a walk with her owner.  On the way home they stopped at the store to pick up some milk. Stormy stayed outside tied to a tree. When her master went inside a little boy walked by and saw Stormy standing their tied to a tree and thought that was a shame for an animal to be tied up.  Then, he untied her and she got scared by a passing semi truck and ran away.  She got lost and ran into another dog that she fell in love with. The master looked for days for Stormy, but five days after she had disappered she returned home.  Then, 3 months later it was discovered the dog was pregnant. Unfortunately Stormy's master can't afford to feed that many dogs and doesn't have the space for them. So...Three dalmation pups for free.

my choice

Communication technologies are at their all time high. So why is it that there are still so many communication problems between people. I would suggest the every day hidden agenda that everyone has. It seems that everybody is out for themselves in a manner much bigger than self preservation.  I have learned growing up that telling the truth in an absolute form is very rarely to your advantage. That is the one thing I don't like about blogging.  I like the idea and it is good to get ideas out, but this is on the internet.  THat means it is public information and I am sure someone will try to use it to get at my money some how. It is almost a certainty, but would anybody ever give me anything that might aid me from this...no way! This reminds me of all the nice things I have done for people that didn't return the favor. Even my own friends. I am sure your saying to yourself "must not be very good friends" but this has probably happened to you too even if you won't admit it. Jennifer you told us that story about how your mom basically let those dogs kill your cats. It isn't the biggest wrong ever but where is the consideration. I am guilty as well so I just try to stay in the positive.